Goodbye 2013 Hello 2014

I sit here thinking about the year that just was.... and the year that will be....
the pressing question is ...what can I do to improve me , my life, my world..
In 2013 there was the winter that wouldn't end , the spring that never was and the calmest summer I can recall for  sometime.....
There were reunions with old friends and visits from far away guests. Hard times and good times...
There were a few deaths that I want to mention ....Mrs. Boyd... a lady that was a significant part of my child hood....she was the mother of 8 children . A lady that cared for foster children eventually adopting a young girl with cerebral palsy....Her husband died when her youngest child was around 9 .
How do I remember Joan Boyd.... I remember her calling her boys in for super or for bedtime...Roger , Neil, Gene and if you ask any of us that were kids in those days they will tell you it is one of their most memorable memories of her......I have other special memories like the shower she had for me when my son was born and the day she taught me how to make choke cherry juice and jelly.  RIP Joan your memory lives on in many of us... Her daughter died too a short time later.... RIP Sandy.

MY aunt Sharon Wallace passed on this year as well... My memories of Sharon when I was a little girl are of a very beautiful and well spoken lady that always dressed well and rarely did I see her without a smile on her face.... She fought the BIG C battle and she never lost ........not in my eyes ........she went down fighting..... Aunt Sharon would call me and we would chat ....her encouragement in those phone calls regarding my parents was always welcomed and I miss them...... RIP aunt Sharon .....you live on in your children and grand children.....all beautiful well spoken and somewhat well dressed....kidding cousins....and some of the most beautiful smiles....You are with my uncle your husband once more.
Someone died just the day before last ....In the hospital where my dad is a patient....right across the hall....she wasn't someone that brought back childhood memories or anyone I was related to. She was a resident at Mulberry Estates where my parents live.....She was always in a wheelchair and had to be on oxygen all the time ... She sat at a table in the dining room with the wife of a man who had died and had been my carpenter at work.and also  with a lady whose grandson had been my sons friend...he had been killed...This lady's name was Sylvia......when Sylvia died ,,,when the nurses told me they were moving a body and that we must stay in the room with door closed I took a deep breath and wondered if it was the poor dear ... the lady that smiled behind that oxygen mask , the lady that dressed up for Halloween and the lady that I found one day locked out of her suite.....scared and panicking .....the lady whose hand I took in mine and said it would be OK that I would get her help . I checked her room when I could leave dad's and it was her....that had died.....
I spoke to Sylvia on Christmas Day.......just like I always did when I visited the table at lunch or when I met her in the hall...I wished her a Merry Christmas !   In the elevator on the way up to get my dad for Christmas supper I  didn't know it would be her last....RIP Sylvia
 IN 2013 I learned that Life is precious..
I complain alot on Face Book about not feeling well and I am sure happy to have so many caring friends . I honestly don't know what I would do without you all . I used to belong to a forum for depression and shared with people that also had depression.....the nice thing is most of you have either experienced depression or know someone that has ..unlike the forum however I find you all to be upbeat and many of you have helped me through times that were really tough....I thank YOU all with all my heart I appreciate each and everyone of you... I don't reach out looking for sympathy or out of pity for myself it is for understanding and compassion and you provide those things...Again Thank you....Very Much

I learned alot this past week....especially to be thankful

Christmas Eve day we worked we spent the early part of the afternoon handing out bonus checks and gifts and having a chat. I went to visit my folks around 3 only to find out they had gone to the hospital before lunch...I was shocked... Mom always calls me when something is up.....I panicked  then I gathered myself and headed to the hospital...I found mom at the reception desk trying to get them to call me.... Mom has trouble with communicating and was having a tough time ...the relief on her face and in my heart when we saw each other was immense. I continued to the ER with mom to find dad waved to the Dr through the glass and got all their info figured out. Dad has dementia so the Poor Dr was pretty confused ....Regardless I was happy to find them and discover that their trip to ER was only for a belly pain...My dad has kidney cancer has had it for 6 years and has been very fortunate without pain.....until lately  which was the reason for the trip to ER.....some very good things came about from this event though... 1 I had the wrong cell number on moms phone and on file at the hospital,,,,2 mom was down as dads contact name for hospital instead of me.....3the new managers at Mulberry  are now aware that they need to cal me if anything happens with mom and dad .....they did not know that when they arranged for transportation to the hospital...
4 and they too had wrong cell number. Mom had called my home number  and old cell number 3 times . Poor dear,,,  I also now have call forward on my home phone to get her calls to my cell if I am out of the house.
At the end of the day I was thankful that this not so emergent situation had helped me to get everything in order in case there was a real emergency!  I went to sleep that night very thankful...

Then on Boxing Day after a day of sickness my dad did not seem well. I was alone with him and he started to look very ill. He told me he was dying.. I had no idea and thought that the cold he was fighting along with other factors were making this happen . I called the ambulance who told me do not administer anything liquid or otherwise... keep calm they were on their way... I Went down to the dining room got my mom from her table and took her up to dad... He was not well at all....I thought he was dying....he thought he was.......then it hit me Blood Sugar!  I grabbed his Blood sugar test kit and poked his finger... tested the blood 1.9 OMG  now what they had said no fluids etc. I for some reason opened the door to the hall and there stood a home care aid... I asked her if she would give me her opinion and told her what just happened and that I wanted to give dad juice for the low blood sugar and she said yes and started to help me. I grabbed a can of ginger ale and she started to open an orange juice....he was able to drink alot,  The kind lady that had helped me explained her daughter had died at the age of 25 from a blood sugar low and that she was so glad I had opened the door and found her to help me... I was again thankful....The ambulance attendants arrived and reassured me I had done the right thing.... 3.1 was the reading they got....dad was taken to hospital... There were many factors tha led to the low blood sugar and he needed to be hospitalised for care..to get rehydrate him and get his sugars levelled out....he is still in there.....and doing much better... For that decision I am  thankful

I complained on FB about the care my dad received......I want to say at the end of the day it isn't most of the nurses that are at fault!  There were a few I would have canned if I was their boss but Lisa, Inga Courtney and the other good ones you are the best!! Dr. Vanheerden you are wonderful and one helluva handsome dude if I do say so myself....NO really he is..

 I am not sure how the health care system can be mended but it is broken and desperately in need of repair.....We hired Life Force to have care aids sit with him and look after him exactly how we would . I know without them he would not have done as well and we the family would not have slept well....Thank you Ladies. Star, Kim, Sheila and Tillie(whom I never even met and she brought in 2014 with my dad) you were wonderful for my dad and us.(good names too!!)...Thank you to their manger Elizabeth for having someone at the hospital 45 minutes after my initial phone call,,,,,you are an angel....For ALL of you I am thankful

Besides being thankful what did I learn.
I learned that things happen for a reason .....I learned that my mom  is very capable of making good decisions for her and dad. I learned that nurses and Drs work their butts off and that sometimes you need to spend money to get peace of mind..... I learned that siblings need to stick together no matter what when their parents are ill   and I learned than me and my siblings can....and did...... I learned tha my parents live in a place where they are cared about ...and I learned that they like where they live....
I learned that sometimes people can support you and others cannot .....they aren't able to ,,,I learned tha a grouchy nurse can be softened and become friendly if encouraged and appreciated and that some will never budge from their hard nose ways... I learned that strangers can become family and family can be strange (lol) I learned that there still are a lot of good people out there. I also learned that I need to trust myself and the choices I make.and most of all throughput I learned that  I can be strong and effective in times of desperation.... the need to act not react and the desire to have good results requires calmness and planning.

Most importantly I learned that family is love and love is all there really is....if you let go of everything else...that gets in its way

I didn't ask God for much this week ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I however thanked him all of the time
So how can I change my life I have learned simply by being thankful!

 IN 2014 I wish for you love and kindness, good health and wisdom.....and gratitude
Again
I thank you for being in my life

Happy New Year ..

 

Sheila

I just don't give a damn

I will write this blog and spill my thoughts regardless of those that think its a pity trip or others that will  think it's all bull shit!

I feel like crap day in and day out! It is frustrating to wake up and face the day feeling like a bag of shit!
I came to know a young lady recently and it's her I think of when I write this! Sometimes I can be all nicey, nice but right now I just want to say no one gets it NO ONE gets it at all! Bits and pieces of what I put up with maybe but not this whole package I deal with on a daily basis!

The young lady I speak of was in a bad accident years ago ! She doesn't know but I prayed and prayed for that little girl and now she faces life in a wheel chair!  I thought to myself you know I really have nothing to complain about compared to this lady nothing! I contemplated all her hardships all the inconveniences and upsets presented to her on a regular daily basis! How down right selfish of me to think I should feel any sorrow or any strife with my few inadequacies!

 Then Somewhere in the back of my head I heard her ! Ah ***k it. Let it go we all get sick of our own bull shit ! It doesn't matter what form it's in if it seems worse for you than it does for me ***k it!
Let It ALL OUT!

SO I will I am so tired of pretending I am strong or feel good at all I don't ***k it !I hurt I'm dizzy I'm confused and barely feel like myself! I'm sad and I'm angry I can't walk without feeling like I'm falling!

I don't eat this and that or drink this or that so I can feel better well bull shit! Tired of trying massages, acupuncture ,cranial sacral, herbal remedies ,herbs vitamins natural paths reflexologist ,psychics doctor specialists meditation relaxation yoga and all over 30 years
I am sick dammit and ***king sick of it! I've had 24 hour flu for nearly 30 years.
Somedays might be better than others in reality it is when I am stronger and better at hiding it!
I do damn well for what I've been dealt with and I am proud of my many accomplishments .I work on accepting things for how they are and then some times when it hurts too much and it's hard to bear I  just say ***k it!





Tomorrow will be better.

We have had a pile of snow last year???   It is that kind of winter that can take alot of wildlife out.  Grouse , partridges and the song birds that stick around find it impossible to scratch through the snow and ice to get to anything that might remain nutritious. When you live in the city you have no concept of how wildlife struggles to survive the long cold gruelling prairie winters.

I happen to be fortunate enough to be able to assist the deer that live near me.

We are hunters and have a thriving taxidermy business.  Wildlife is what puts the bread and butter on our family's tables. Hunting provides meats to go along with the bread and butter..... We in ways are obligated to look after what we feel is a gift from nature.

THE Saskatchewan Environment Department will tell you different. DO NOT feed the deer!  Leave it to nature !!! The strong will survive and the weak will die...It is all a part of nature...

I beg to differ......What is natural about how our deer have to forage these days?

When I first came to be a hunter I spent alot of time in the field in the fall. Crops would ripen with the sun and it was a good fall if you got your crop off by beginning of October. AS I would walk to my tree stand I could see life everywhere in the field I crossed.If it wasn't harvested the deer were nearby waiting for dusk so they could sneak in and get the last few bites of the nutritional crop before it met the combine. If it had been harvested there would be lots of green , weeds, regrowth whatever for the deer, and other wildlife to munch on.  Life was abundant in the fall of those times.

Now the crops are dessicated by mid August and harvested by the end of August. After the crop comes off the fields they are sprayed to combat weed growth and the other plants take the hit too! The goal to kill any living plant in the field.
BY the time the snow falls the deer that used to live off the fields in what was their "store up" time of year have had to resort to eating in ditches and farmyards. There are slim pickings for our wildlife these days.......

There are many of us that hunt and do taxidermy that feed the deer. I am thankful to all of you that do. I have seen deer so skinny come into our yard in February that they look close to death, They don't eat much but you would be surprised how a cup of feed a day can carry that deer through to spring.  February and March are the hardest months for the deer in a winter like this. Without nutrition all winter they start to weaken.If only branches and dead grass are available  they eat it to fill them selves but there is little nutrition and they start to die.

There isn't a deer in my yard that will die from starvation... Not when they know the food God will show up and spread a little food amongst them.....And then there are the deer that know if they just put their noses to the window they are likely to get a handful of ambrosia apples .  There are alfalfa bales by the barn, lentils in the barn, sunflower seeds in the shed and lots of apples (for now) on the table.

Grief

Grief      Good grief.    Grief!   I never really understood the importance of grieving! I knew it was what I was supposed to do after someone died . Grieve. Feel sad ,grow past ,get over it!
Grief is so much more than that!
I never realized that all losses we experience no matter how slight create an opportunity to kick start the grieving process !  Losing a loved one is an obvious trigger but do we stop and take the time to appreciate the process our body needs to go through?
If we neglect to allow the process all of our losses can add up and build into a huge mass of unresolved grief!
Ever broke a finger nail to find yourself  bawling or maybe cried yourself to pieces at the funeral of some one you " just"knew!
That's your minds ability to reach in when presented with a new loss to bring up unresolved grief  you have yet to process!
I attended a 10 week grief processing group! It has been life changing! To review my life and the many losses I experienced without recognizing them as such has provided me with a new found ability to do just that!
Losses come in many shapes and sizes and its important to recognize them for what they are and to follow through with the task of processing each !
First accept the reality of the loss and its impact on us!
Second let yourself experience the pain of grief!
Third adjust to the new environment/ life that is changed due to the loss has caused!
Lastly to reinvest the energy into life, loosen ties to the loss. And transform the loss into gain/value..
The 11 women that were in this group were some of the most compassionate and caring I have ever met!
I think it's important to connect with those that will be compassionate and understanding through this time!

  So I salute GRIEf.  And my new ability to understand it as well as access it!

Take Good Care!

WHy NOT?

I was asking my self today ...why haven't you wrote a blog about depression?  I replied because people just don't get it . I will likely be judged....There will be a few that relate either through their own experience or they know someone that has been visited by the dark cloud or perhaps they think they were depressed ....

Then there are those ....and it surprises me how many there still are that look at depression along with other mental illnesses as a way to get attention or that it is a character flaw with comments such as"How can they be like that?" or "Why are they acting like that to get pity?" "They could snap out of it if they just would get over it!"

I have been too long diagnosed with a mental illness to take these comments to heart but it is phrases like these that can really be harmful to the newly diagnosed or the undiagnosed... Depression hurts , depression is real and depression is lonely.

I have had many supports in my life.. Good friends  family members.....my mom . They are all to be thanked for listening to me and being there for me when I reached out..That is one of the things we are told to do ....as a depressed person ...reach out ....Sometimes people are deep enough in their own stuff they can't be there for me and ....I always understand that. I have had the rare occasion where I had to pick up the phone and cry to a complete stranger because there was no one there for me ....for one reason or another....it is so important to talk...talking....helps stop the over thinking.....most times.....when it doesn't that is when its time to go get professional help.... cant handle it alone.....

Psychiatrists are all pill pushing idiots as far as I am concerned ...I have been very fortunate to have had the same counsellor for over 23 years.....off and on....   when I need her...She has inspired me and I (she tells me ) have inspired her......She taught me how to cut depression up into little pieces and then look at all the parts and work on them one at a time...Depression is so hard to beat if you try beat "depression" It is much better to look at the things that have brought you to the point of greyness and sadness and hopelessness......to the place where nothing seems hopeful or worth it
Those pieces can be life events ,,,,death,,,,moves,,,,births,,,,,,losses,,,change......
or they can be illness, a cell phone that wont work or a day that nothing can go right....or maybe just thoughts...thinking wrong.....stinky thinking,,,,negative thoughts .....unable to see the good side of anything.......It is like the only thing your ears want to hear are the nasty things   and the only thing your eyes can pick out are the awful things....and the only thing your mind can conjure up are your guilty things your weaknesses and your tragedies........how terrible you are and how horrible your life is....

......I taught her that depression isn't always text book variety...I showed her how willing I was to be free of the darkness and how I didn't like to be caught up in it...How lonely I could feel and how empowering it was to know I wasn't alone I also gave her reason to believe that maybe medication is necessary...... .
She retires this year......I will miss her.....

It sucks that anyone would see me or any of us suffering as anything less than somebody that is sick......

It is an illness.....


There is a chemical imbalance that happens regardless of how be it the negative thoughts the life events or many other situations that create it......it is no different than a malfunctioning pancreas..heart...liver.....kidney......it is your brain.....your brain is an organ....it can get sick just like any other organ.....some brains are more sensitive...some people are more sensitive......

If I could have lived without experiencing depression I would gladly have done it..
Wasn't in the cards for me...

I am proud of all the times I have come out on top after sinking so low.... 

IF you know someone that is depressed ...listen without judging.......visit without advising,,,,,,,,,smile while wiping a tear away.................share your own weaknesses .....pass on a positive affirmation.......take them for an ice cream or maybe for a walk in a park.........laugh even if they don't......cry if it makes you .....remind them of the good things the good times ...........and remember..................a hug makes a great band aid for a broken mind.....

"It is difficult to fight the enemy when the enemy is your own mind"

I am Lonely

Why is it so hard to recognize and admit loneliness? 

Some times I crave to be alone.....longing to be walking along a hiking trail with no sounds except those that nature provides. Lying out under the dark moonless sky only lit with the twinkling stars ...curled up in the bed between cool crisp clean sheets after tidying the whole house..... me and a solar light that flickers like a candle and in the distance a coyote or two yipping in excitement...
or even to find that space in my own mind so that no matter who or what surrounds me I am where I want to be....alone...

But then there are those times I feel so alone. So lonely . I can be out for a walk with three cats 4 dogs and a yard full of deer, sitting with family enjoing a meal, driving down the highway singing a song with hubby, in a crowd of strangers at a theatre..... yet  so alone....

Lonely ....can see me sad, scared , lost , anxious, depressed, hopeless
or being alone can enlighten me, comfort me, renew me and revive me.

Tonight I am Lonely and I don't want to be......

I have a shield around me one that is preventing anyone or anything from entering my space.......my being my essence..

Is this a choice? I am not certain that it is....

I am lonely tonight and for now that is ok.

 

 

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.

Good Bye One Eye

This Winter is miserable and relentless...I realized today when my daughter-in-law told me of how her normal tendancy to be scared, travelling on the awful highway so many times this winter  turned to anger, that this is how I am feeling to . I am sick and tired of this winter but most of all I am angry!


The fawns in the mule deer herd in my yard  get weaker by the day. There has been no break for them and the prairie wool grass that provides so much nutrition lies buried deep in the snow. The snow is deep everywhere . Not just in the banks but everywhere they walk the snow is deep and hard.

The fawn One Eye is weak tonight. So weak he couldn't help but allow me to stroke his ears and pet his wee head...I could feel the little antlers that will never grow into  majestic tall racks because tonite I know in my heart One Eye will die.

As he lay on top of the snow against the row of caraganas,  just out of reach of  the brutal force of the wind, he watched and waited for me as I approached . I was able to look closer at the infected right eye and realized the infection had grown into his eyeball.. His other eye looked up at me with a look of hopelessness.. Rubbing my hand across his body it amazed me how tiny this little animal that had been relying on me to give him his special food really was. Maybe 25 pounds....How could a deer that we have fed all winter be lying on the ground infront of me starving to death?  He had been eating well ...Here he was......skin and bone literally. HIs one good eye had no glimmer in it tonight... no hope....

The winds were howling and the temperature falling as I debated what to do.....SUGAR water...I rushed into the house the Vet had said their blood sugar drops and that is when they seizure and then they die .....I mixed up a bottle of sweet water and Tom and I decided to load him into the sleigh and put him in the barn out of the wind ...out of the cold ..and only hope he would  survive the storm.....

I approached him from one side Tom from the other... AS trusting as he was, with what energy he had he jumped up and staggered through the trees. He had eaten some nuggets before lying down and it had seemed to help him. He then gained momentum and  made it to the trees on the east side of the house.

There I was bottle of sugar water in hand  following him......doing my best to try save his life....
After basically following him in circles for a half hour I decided if the storm didn't kill him I was going to  by pursuing him...I was hurting him more than I was helping him.

One eye had the will to be wild....this  over rode his trust in me and and an possible chance of me helping him. Like the other fawn that died he was at a point where he was too strong to receive help yet so close to being weak enough to die.

I have no doubt One Eye will die tonight...Part of me wants to get a big blanket and find him and cover him up and be with him.....either until morning and move him to the barn or until....he dies...

The there is this other part of me ...that looked deep into that one good eye tonight and with love and as much understanding any human could possibly possess I saw that remained a will to be wild . The will to be wild no matter how vulnerable and at risk as is all wildlife is as it exists in our world.

This winter the deer are being dealt a nasty blow from mother nature ......

One Eye ....good bye....

This taming spoken of here by the fox to The Little Prince is important to consider when attaching ones self to a wild animal..... I have a lot to reconsider....

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

 

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye. Le Petit Prince

Good Night
Stay Warm