This past May long weekend was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. For over 22 years we have spent time at  Jack and Len Chernysh's farm on this weekend....Any of you that follow my posts know we lost Jack on January 29th of this year. It was hard then but it was even harder on Saturday when we started the drive into the farm from the main highway down the Prairie River highway.....

The sun was shining and we were reminiscing and discussing quietly how this drive had led to Jacks place and no matter how many times we drove this stretch of road he was always at the end of it.....their farm yard was the end of the road....
Looking into the following picture the lane way in is directly to the left of the trees on the right.....the foreground is Jack's garden...At this time of year this is where we normally found him. His garden probably followed only his animals when it came to his labours of love. He often would ask me gardening questions and hope I had some answers . I grew gardens but not to the extent Jack did. By now he always had a hot bed for the tomatoes started and the rows were clearly marked with pickets and orange baler twine....He grew corn,beans ,peas,carrots,horseradish,tomatoes,parsnips(my fave) cucumbers and more ....and hills and hills of potatoes. The chickens ran free in his garden . They were the insect eaters and kept the  garden clear of the pests. When he planted his dog or dogs were always right there beside him....

Arriving Saturday even though we knew he wouldn't be there......THE painful reality hit us hard as we got closer .....we passed by the farm entrance to try to contain our emotions. After all we were coming to see Len ...he had lost a brother....we hoped to be strong for him....we drove past the yard and into  the sports ground . The very place we first met Jack ...the place Jack and his brothers and sisters had played sports as kids...........the tears flowed ...and my heart ached.....after some time we turned and headed south again to the yard...We hesitated at the entrance to the pasture.....there were no cows..........there were no new born calves hopping around....and ....no Jack....

.more tears more pain....

Slowly we worked our way to the yard and as we turned in Tom spotted Len in the garden with Duke, the dog Jack had just gotten last spring and he loved so very much.....I got Tom to stop ASAP and I jumped out and slowly walked over to Len!

"Sheila " he said sounding dissapointed when he saw my tears and heard my sobs. He reached out his arm and pulled me close.... "It has been four months " You need to be strong" 

 "No Len", I said "Ffor us this is it the time is right now"....".The second we could see in your yard", I told him," was when it became real"..... He understood and gave me that smile of his... and we all hugged and ofcourse I hugged the dog.

I was happy to see Len in the garden ....It reminded me that so far there was still someone still on the farm . We nearly lost Len four years ago when he had a valve in his heart replaced. He too is like a brother and has been there for us every year to have a drink with for Tom and to play scrabble with me along with the many discussions around the kitchen table to solve all the worlds problems or just figure out our own.

Len although very different from  Jack has a heart of gold and is very dear to us too.

This is the place we parked our camper for the last several years as Jack and Len liked our company and we theirs so we quit dragging it into the bush. When we arrived each spring Jack would have the extension cords all hooked up and the heater going so we would come up to a warm space.Its an old 60s camper you can see it back center of photo. I sold my guitar and we bought it for 500 . It was better than sleeping in the tent as we had for years!  We slept up to 8 people in that little camper...

Walking around the farmyard was very difficult . It was great to recall though how I would help feed the cows and how I learnt to trust them . I wasn't fond of cows when we met Jack. He showed me how to interact with them and I enjoyed spending time with him and them especially in the spring when the new calves were all around.

This is where "Busy" the bull spent his falls ands winters. He was a great friend . I would call him and he would let me scratch his huge head and brush the loose hair off his back ...He seemed to appreciate me chasing the flies way from his eyes and would show it with a huge cowlick.

Jack in the beginning would say why would you be scared of them ? YOU just need to get to know them.. he was so right.. I was scared of the bush too when I met Jack......not even sure why..I am no longer afraid in the bush...I am much more leary in the city ;)

The farm yard Jack had his critters in

THE weekend passed with many memories shared, many tears shed and many thoughts of being grateful for what we still  had and what we had lost.

Grateful to have met Jack, Len, Eva, Joe and all of the other Chernysh family.

Grateful to have had this place to come to and even more grateful

 for the love we were shown in friendship.

As we drove away we realized that nothing will ever be the same at the Chernysh ranch..or at Prairie River Saskatchewan..Len will be moving to town and I am not sure what the future holds for the farm

 The one thing I do know....is it will always be a place we will cherish in our memories . A place we were made to feel at home...a place we went to visit our BEST friends....a place that was very special and always will remain that way in a tender spot... deep inside of us.

 

Fear Not!

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.


Tonite I did something I would not have done 10 years ago. At 12:30 a.m. I walked my labyrinth.

10 years ago fear would have prevented that. Fear of what? Fear of the dark, fear of the coyotes, fear of the unknown. FEAR.
Fear ruled most of my younger years. I was afraid of the dark as a child and afraid to try new things. I was scared at every turn at the risk of being ...hurt? unloved, losing something? I was afraid of being afraid..
Tonite upon entering the labyrinth I noticed the small voice of fear whispering in my ear......could be a coyote in the hills. For a second I was unsure of walking. I allowed myself to become calm and then I heard a different voice calling me to take my first step into the walk. AS I did I thought of how beautiful the night was and how the moon was nearly full, allowing me to be able to make out the stone edges of the circuits. THE breeze was cool and I welcomed it as the few mosquitos out earlier were whisked away by it. It had rained and the freshness it had provided was amazing and helped to bring me to the reason I was here to walk and be calm. The fear was erased.
My walk was completely consumed with thoughts of all the fears I lived with for too long and the victories I had over them.
The fears I experienced as a young adult prevented me from experiencing many things.
The fear of flying, the dentist, Fear of heights,visiting the hospital , driving in a car, the dark, bees, being alone, being accepted, doing anything where I might get hurt or the fear of the unknown.

At the age of 37 I won a trip to Cancun Mexico.....It was a great prize to win. But I was terrified to fly. I decided to do something to work on overcoming the fear that prevented me from flying. What was the irrational thought..I am going to crash and die. Every moment I spent thinking of flying this is what I thought...Thinking of driving there "I am going to crash and die"  Imagining sitting in the airport "I am going to crash and die" Getting on the  plane " I am going to crash and die"

(Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.)

Obviously this wasn't going to get me to Mexico let alone to the airport. I bought a tape on conquering the fear of flying and I did just that. Every night I listened to that tape. I got rid of the old messages in my mind and replaced them with positive images that included....driving to the airport picturing myself on the beach with my toes in the sand. ..waiting in the airport imagining the view from our beachfront hotel room.....boarding the plane and thinking about how good it would feel to be on a holiday after all these years. I also got real and when I did have those small brain burst of I am going to crash and die.... I corrected that thinking with thousands of people fly everyday and make it to where they are going.....the only reason we hear of only the crashes is because that is what makes the news.....I would imagine my own news flashes ..."Today it was reported that thousands of people world wide took off and landed in airplanes all over the world."
After the trip I realized I could apply this to all areas of my life. The dentist was next. I did visual therapy as well as exposure therapy to succeed at getting past that fear. I am totally fearless of the dental work being performed. Now I just worry about the bill ...

I had an awful fear of bees.....TERRIFIED!   now I live on a farmyard that is surrounded by carraganas. Every spring (right now) the bees in the trees are so numerous that it sounds like small motors when you walk by them.  I have no fear of them at all.   NONE.

Yep I took this picture.

The dark......well it really isn't that dark . Even on the darkest night you can still see.... When my grandson was about 3 he would sleep over. We would lie down at bed time and he would be scared.  Terrified of the dark and what he couldn't see and what he thought he could see. HE would ask me what is that and point at a shadow and ask what is that . It looks like a monster....or alien.
After several sleepovers and he still being fearful I came up with something that helped him overcome his fears.
I decided it was my turn to be afraid.."Zak I am scared ....and pointing to a shadow ask him " What is that?" He would look and soon have the answer for me. Soon he had every shadow and every sound figured out FOR ME!  IN turn it was figured out for him as well. It is easy to tell someone not to be afraid but the secret is in them learning there is nothing to be afraid of.  Figure out what is in the fear ....and overcoming it....
 Now common sense tells us we need to be cautious when taking a risk or doing something new or dangerous but knowledge needs to override fear to be able to enjoy the experience.
SO my walk tonite was amazing and I am thankful to have come so far in overcoming fear in so many areas of my life. Life is so much more enjoyable when not living with fear .

I challenge you to take on your fears......face them with an open mind and use knowledge and reality checks to get past them...fear is really mind over matter..............it really is. When you chalange your fears you are truly challenging yourself.

I missed out on alot of things in the first 37 years of my life due to irrational fears........I am glad I am past that................you can be too.

ON a suspension bridge and loving the waterfall below!

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Thats me up there!!!

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,

for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.