WHy NOT?

I was asking my self today ...why haven't you wrote a blog about depression?  I replied because people just don't get it . I will likely be judged....There will be a few that relate either through their own experience or they know someone that has been visited by the dark cloud or perhaps they think they were depressed ....

Then there are those ....and it surprises me how many there still are that look at depression along with other mental illnesses as a way to get attention or that it is a character flaw with comments such as"How can they be like that?" or "Why are they acting like that to get pity?" "They could snap out of it if they just would get over it!"

I have been too long diagnosed with a mental illness to take these comments to heart but it is phrases like these that can really be harmful to the newly diagnosed or the undiagnosed... Depression hurts , depression is real and depression is lonely.

I have had many supports in my life.. Good friends  family members.....my mom . They are all to be thanked for listening to me and being there for me when I reached out..That is one of the things we are told to do ....as a depressed person ...reach out ....Sometimes people are deep enough in their own stuff they can't be there for me and ....I always understand that. I have had the rare occasion where I had to pick up the phone and cry to a complete stranger because there was no one there for me ....for one reason or another....it is so important to talk...talking....helps stop the over thinking.....most times.....when it doesn't that is when its time to go get professional help.... cant handle it alone.....

Psychiatrists are all pill pushing idiots as far as I am concerned ...I have been very fortunate to have had the same counsellor for over 23 years.....off and on....   when I need her...She has inspired me and I (she tells me ) have inspired her......She taught me how to cut depression up into little pieces and then look at all the parts and work on them one at a time...Depression is so hard to beat if you try beat "depression" It is much better to look at the things that have brought you to the point of greyness and sadness and hopelessness......to the place where nothing seems hopeful or worth it
Those pieces can be life events ,,,,death,,,,moves,,,,births,,,,,,losses,,,change......
or they can be illness, a cell phone that wont work or a day that nothing can go right....or maybe just thoughts...thinking wrong.....stinky thinking,,,,negative thoughts .....unable to see the good side of anything.......It is like the only thing your ears want to hear are the nasty things   and the only thing your eyes can pick out are the awful things....and the only thing your mind can conjure up are your guilty things your weaknesses and your tragedies........how terrible you are and how horrible your life is....

......I taught her that depression isn't always text book variety...I showed her how willing I was to be free of the darkness and how I didn't like to be caught up in it...How lonely I could feel and how empowering it was to know I wasn't alone I also gave her reason to believe that maybe medication is necessary...... .
She retires this year......I will miss her.....

It sucks that anyone would see me or any of us suffering as anything less than somebody that is sick......

It is an illness.....


There is a chemical imbalance that happens regardless of how be it the negative thoughts the life events or many other situations that create it......it is no different than a malfunctioning pancreas..heart...liver.....kidney......it is your brain.....your brain is an organ....it can get sick just like any other organ.....some brains are more sensitive...some people are more sensitive......

If I could have lived without experiencing depression I would gladly have done it..
Wasn't in the cards for me...

I am proud of all the times I have come out on top after sinking so low.... 

IF you know someone that is depressed ...listen without judging.......visit without advising,,,,,,,,,smile while wiping a tear away.................share your own weaknesses .....pass on a positive affirmation.......take them for an ice cream or maybe for a walk in a park.........laugh even if they don't......cry if it makes you .....remind them of the good things the good times ...........and remember..................a hug makes a great band aid for a broken mind.....

"It is difficult to fight the enemy when the enemy is your own mind"

I am Lonely

Why is it so hard to recognize and admit loneliness? 

Some times I crave to be alone.....longing to be walking along a hiking trail with no sounds except those that nature provides. Lying out under the dark moonless sky only lit with the twinkling stars ...curled up in the bed between cool crisp clean sheets after tidying the whole house..... me and a solar light that flickers like a candle and in the distance a coyote or two yipping in excitement...
or even to find that space in my own mind so that no matter who or what surrounds me I am where I want to be....alone...

But then there are those times I feel so alone. So lonely . I can be out for a walk with three cats 4 dogs and a yard full of deer, sitting with family enjoing a meal, driving down the highway singing a song with hubby, in a crowd of strangers at a theatre..... yet  so alone....

Lonely ....can see me sad, scared , lost , anxious, depressed, hopeless
or being alone can enlighten me, comfort me, renew me and revive me.

Tonight I am Lonely and I don't want to be......

I have a shield around me one that is preventing anyone or anything from entering my space.......my being my essence..

Is this a choice? I am not certain that it is....

I am lonely tonight and for now that is ok.

 

 

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.

Good Bye One Eye

This Winter is miserable and relentless...I realized today when my daughter-in-law told me of how her normal tendancy to be scared, travelling on the awful highway so many times this winter  turned to anger, that this is how I am feeling to . I am sick and tired of this winter but most of all I am angry!


The fawns in the mule deer herd in my yard  get weaker by the day. There has been no break for them and the prairie wool grass that provides so much nutrition lies buried deep in the snow. The snow is deep everywhere . Not just in the banks but everywhere they walk the snow is deep and hard.

The fawn One Eye is weak tonight. So weak he couldn't help but allow me to stroke his ears and pet his wee head...I could feel the little antlers that will never grow into  majestic tall racks because tonite I know in my heart One Eye will die.

As he lay on top of the snow against the row of caraganas,  just out of reach of  the brutal force of the wind, he watched and waited for me as I approached . I was able to look closer at the infected right eye and realized the infection had grown into his eyeball.. His other eye looked up at me with a look of hopelessness.. Rubbing my hand across his body it amazed me how tiny this little animal that had been relying on me to give him his special food really was. Maybe 25 pounds....How could a deer that we have fed all winter be lying on the ground infront of me starving to death?  He had been eating well ...Here he was......skin and bone literally. HIs one good eye had no glimmer in it tonight... no hope....

The winds were howling and the temperature falling as I debated what to do.....SUGAR water...I rushed into the house the Vet had said their blood sugar drops and that is when they seizure and then they die .....I mixed up a bottle of sweet water and Tom and I decided to load him into the sleigh and put him in the barn out of the wind ...out of the cold ..and only hope he would  survive the storm.....

I approached him from one side Tom from the other... AS trusting as he was, with what energy he had he jumped up and staggered through the trees. He had eaten some nuggets before lying down and it had seemed to help him. He then gained momentum and  made it to the trees on the east side of the house.

There I was bottle of sugar water in hand  following him......doing my best to try save his life....
After basically following him in circles for a half hour I decided if the storm didn't kill him I was going to  by pursuing him...I was hurting him more than I was helping him.

One eye had the will to be wild....this  over rode his trust in me and and an possible chance of me helping him. Like the other fawn that died he was at a point where he was too strong to receive help yet so close to being weak enough to die.

I have no doubt One Eye will die tonight...Part of me wants to get a big blanket and find him and cover him up and be with him.....either until morning and move him to the barn or until....he dies...

The there is this other part of me ...that looked deep into that one good eye tonight and with love and as much understanding any human could possibly possess I saw that remained a will to be wild . The will to be wild no matter how vulnerable and at risk as is all wildlife is as it exists in our world.

This winter the deer are being dealt a nasty blow from mother nature ......

One Eye ....good bye....

This taming spoken of here by the fox to The Little Prince is important to consider when attaching ones self to a wild animal..... I have a lot to reconsider....

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world....”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

 

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye. Le Petit Prince

Good Night
Stay Warm

JUST CATS???

OH how I despise those four words especially when they are directed at me in reference to my Cats.

My cats are maybe "Just Cats" . They are well known for their hunting ability , and leaving evidence with adoration on my doorstep. Yes nothing as wonderful to step out into than some mouse or bird innerds....Yes the cats. They also sleep in the lawn chairs (well ofcourse I put blankets on them for the little darlings). They run under the cars with me shreeking STOP. Sneak in the house when ever they get the chance. They can scare up a flock of Prairie Chickens and put fear in their souls with no hesitation. They stalk their prey as well as their friends the dogs...crouching "invisibly" in the grass as we hike along...only to be greeted with a lick from Piper,,,or growl and nudge from Ellie. Cats yes "Just Cats"....they arent dirty as most claim....my cats are very clean. They arent stupid at all I have trained them to do many tricks.....well a few....but the thing I admire most is their complete love of .....food at 5 pm...Yes look out it is a mad dash to the food shelf with the food God approaching can of wet food in hand .....and yes they like a little pet as they eat...and they purr in gratititude...

It is the time of year where I become concerned for the "Just Cats". It is getting cold and the wind really can be cold...OH they will say for goodness sake they are Just Cats...throw out a cardboard box with a blanket and a big bowl of dry food they will be fine after all they are JUST CATS..

Well my cats have a two level insulated condo . They have more straw and blankets to cuddle up in not to mention the outdoor light we installed inside last year for warmth, oh did I mention the electric pet pad in the lower level. The igloo is the winter feeding station....with a heated water bowl and a large feeder full of dry food(unless the racoons visit and clean us out) I do my best to make life as comfortable as possible for the cats. THE heating pad only goes on at 25 below the light at 15 below.
It seems to be working ...

You see my cats might be JUST CATS but I am one cat lady that loves her cats and that is JUST That!!

This past May long weekend was one of the hardest I have ever experienced. For over 22 years we have spent time at  Jack and Len Chernysh's farm on this weekend....Any of you that follow my posts know we lost Jack on January 29th of this year. It was hard then but it was even harder on Saturday when we started the drive into the farm from the main highway down the Prairie River highway.....

The sun was shining and we were reminiscing and discussing quietly how this drive had led to Jacks place and no matter how many times we drove this stretch of road he was always at the end of it.....their farm yard was the end of the road....
Looking into the following picture the lane way in is directly to the left of the trees on the right.....the foreground is Jack's garden...At this time of year this is where we normally found him. His garden probably followed only his animals when it came to his labours of love. He often would ask me gardening questions and hope I had some answers . I grew gardens but not to the extent Jack did. By now he always had a hot bed for the tomatoes started and the rows were clearly marked with pickets and orange baler twine....He grew corn,beans ,peas,carrots,horseradish,tomatoes,parsnips(my fave) cucumbers and more ....and hills and hills of potatoes. The chickens ran free in his garden . They were the insect eaters and kept the  garden clear of the pests. When he planted his dog or dogs were always right there beside him....

Arriving Saturday even though we knew he wouldn't be there......THE painful reality hit us hard as we got closer .....we passed by the farm entrance to try to contain our emotions. After all we were coming to see Len ...he had lost a brother....we hoped to be strong for him....we drove past the yard and into  the sports ground . The very place we first met Jack ...the place Jack and his brothers and sisters had played sports as kids...........the tears flowed ...and my heart ached.....after some time we turned and headed south again to the yard...We hesitated at the entrance to the pasture.....there were no cows..........there were no new born calves hopping around....and ....no Jack....

.more tears more pain....

Slowly we worked our way to the yard and as we turned in Tom spotted Len in the garden with Duke, the dog Jack had just gotten last spring and he loved so very much.....I got Tom to stop ASAP and I jumped out and slowly walked over to Len!

"Sheila " he said sounding dissapointed when he saw my tears and heard my sobs. He reached out his arm and pulled me close.... "It has been four months " You need to be strong" 

 "No Len", I said "Ffor us this is it the time is right now"....".The second we could see in your yard", I told him," was when it became real"..... He understood and gave me that smile of his... and we all hugged and ofcourse I hugged the dog.

I was happy to see Len in the garden ....It reminded me that so far there was still someone still on the farm . We nearly lost Len four years ago when he had a valve in his heart replaced. He too is like a brother and has been there for us every year to have a drink with for Tom and to play scrabble with me along with the many discussions around the kitchen table to solve all the worlds problems or just figure out our own.

Len although very different from  Jack has a heart of gold and is very dear to us too.

This is the place we parked our camper for the last several years as Jack and Len liked our company and we theirs so we quit dragging it into the bush. When we arrived each spring Jack would have the extension cords all hooked up and the heater going so we would come up to a warm space.Its an old 60s camper you can see it back center of photo. I sold my guitar and we bought it for 500 . It was better than sleeping in the tent as we had for years!  We slept up to 8 people in that little camper...

Walking around the farmyard was very difficult . It was great to recall though how I would help feed the cows and how I learnt to trust them . I wasn't fond of cows when we met Jack. He showed me how to interact with them and I enjoyed spending time with him and them especially in the spring when the new calves were all around.

This is where "Busy" the bull spent his falls ands winters. He was a great friend . I would call him and he would let me scratch his huge head and brush the loose hair off his back ...He seemed to appreciate me chasing the flies way from his eyes and would show it with a huge cowlick.

Jack in the beginning would say why would you be scared of them ? YOU just need to get to know them.. he was so right.. I was scared of the bush too when I met Jack......not even sure why..I am no longer afraid in the bush...I am much more leary in the city ;)

The farm yard Jack had his critters in

THE weekend passed with many memories shared, many tears shed and many thoughts of being grateful for what we still  had and what we had lost.

Grateful to have met Jack, Len, Eva, Joe and all of the other Chernysh family.

Grateful to have had this place to come to and even more grateful

 for the love we were shown in friendship.

As we drove away we realized that nothing will ever be the same at the Chernysh ranch..or at Prairie River Saskatchewan..Len will be moving to town and I am not sure what the future holds for the farm

 The one thing I do know....is it will always be a place we will cherish in our memories . A place we were made to feel at home...a place we went to visit our BEST friends....a place that was very special and always will remain that way in a tender spot... deep inside of us.

 

Fear Not!

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.


Tonite I did something I would not have done 10 years ago. At 12:30 a.m. I walked my labyrinth.

10 years ago fear would have prevented that. Fear of what? Fear of the dark, fear of the coyotes, fear of the unknown. FEAR.
Fear ruled most of my younger years. I was afraid of the dark as a child and afraid to try new things. I was scared at every turn at the risk of being ...hurt? unloved, losing something? I was afraid of being afraid..
Tonite upon entering the labyrinth I noticed the small voice of fear whispering in my ear......could be a coyote in the hills. For a second I was unsure of walking. I allowed myself to become calm and then I heard a different voice calling me to take my first step into the walk. AS I did I thought of how beautiful the night was and how the moon was nearly full, allowing me to be able to make out the stone edges of the circuits. THE breeze was cool and I welcomed it as the few mosquitos out earlier were whisked away by it. It had rained and the freshness it had provided was amazing and helped to bring me to the reason I was here to walk and be calm. The fear was erased.
My walk was completely consumed with thoughts of all the fears I lived with for too long and the victories I had over them.
The fears I experienced as a young adult prevented me from experiencing many things.
The fear of flying, the dentist, Fear of heights,visiting the hospital , driving in a car, the dark, bees, being alone, being accepted, doing anything where I might get hurt or the fear of the unknown.

At the age of 37 I won a trip to Cancun Mexico.....It was a great prize to win. But I was terrified to fly. I decided to do something to work on overcoming the fear that prevented me from flying. What was the irrational thought..I am going to crash and die. Every moment I spent thinking of flying this is what I thought...Thinking of driving there "I am going to crash and die"  Imagining sitting in the airport "I am going to crash and die" Getting on the  plane " I am going to crash and die"

(Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.)

Obviously this wasn't going to get me to Mexico let alone to the airport. I bought a tape on conquering the fear of flying and I did just that. Every night I listened to that tape. I got rid of the old messages in my mind and replaced them with positive images that included....driving to the airport picturing myself on the beach with my toes in the sand. ..waiting in the airport imagining the view from our beachfront hotel room.....boarding the plane and thinking about how good it would feel to be on a holiday after all these years. I also got real and when I did have those small brain burst of I am going to crash and die.... I corrected that thinking with thousands of people fly everyday and make it to where they are going.....the only reason we hear of only the crashes is because that is what makes the news.....I would imagine my own news flashes ..."Today it was reported that thousands of people world wide took off and landed in airplanes all over the world."
After the trip I realized I could apply this to all areas of my life. The dentist was next. I did visual therapy as well as exposure therapy to succeed at getting past that fear. I am totally fearless of the dental work being performed. Now I just worry about the bill ...

I had an awful fear of bees.....TERRIFIED!   now I live on a farmyard that is surrounded by carraganas. Every spring (right now) the bees in the trees are so numerous that it sounds like small motors when you walk by them.  I have no fear of them at all.   NONE.

Yep I took this picture.

The dark......well it really isn't that dark . Even on the darkest night you can still see.... When my grandson was about 3 he would sleep over. We would lie down at bed time and he would be scared.  Terrified of the dark and what he couldn't see and what he thought he could see. HE would ask me what is that and point at a shadow and ask what is that . It looks like a monster....or alien.
After several sleepovers and he still being fearful I came up with something that helped him overcome his fears.
I decided it was my turn to be afraid.."Zak I am scared ....and pointing to a shadow ask him " What is that?" He would look and soon have the answer for me. Soon he had every shadow and every sound figured out FOR ME!  IN turn it was figured out for him as well. It is easy to tell someone not to be afraid but the secret is in them learning there is nothing to be afraid of.  Figure out what is in the fear ....and overcoming it....
 Now common sense tells us we need to be cautious when taking a risk or doing something new or dangerous but knowledge needs to override fear to be able to enjoy the experience.
SO my walk tonite was amazing and I am thankful to have come so far in overcoming fear in so many areas of my life. Life is so much more enjoyable when not living with fear .

I challenge you to take on your fears......face them with an open mind and use knowledge and reality checks to get past them...fear is really mind over matter..............it really is. When you chalange your fears you are truly challenging yourself.

I missed out on alot of things in the first 37 years of my life due to irrational fears........I am glad I am past that................you can be too.

ON a suspension bridge and loving the waterfall below!

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Thats me up there!!!

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,

for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

Bird Feeding ..It Really Doesnt have to be all about what grows below the feeders!!!

I enjoy feeding birds.
I had an outdoor store for a couple years .I sold Kites , windsocks, flags , windchimes, bird baths, bird feeders and bird food.

 I really had only tried feeding that store bought crap with the millet in it prior to going into a Backyard Habitat store while in Iowa.
There I learnt how bird feeding could really be a really interesting pastime.
To feed birds and not have the hassles that most consider have to be part of it....there are tricks to try.
First of all I never feed food that has millet in it!!!  Or that big box store wild bird food that the birds just scatter around trying to get to the good stuff. The suppliers make it so there is 10 % good stuff so the birds waste it all and you mow the results with the lawn mower.

There are two types of seed I recommend . You reallydon't need anythign else.

 a distlefink feeder

Black oil sunflower seed in the shell or slivered and Niger Seed.
I use Niger seed by its self or mixed half and half with slivered sunflower seeds. You can buy mixes of this blend or I buy the two separate at Peavey Mart and mix them together. If you don't want the Niger to grow spread the amount you are going to put in the feeder on a baking sheet and put in oven at 150 degrees for 15 minutes . The seeds then will not grow and the nutrition stays in it cooking them  at this low temperature  for the short time.  The Niger seed is fine on its own too! The feeders to use are designed for theses tiny seeds and the other nuisance birds cannot feed from them. Finch feeders , distlefink feeders and my favourite the upside down finch feeder are sure to bring on the hungry little birds .Upside down feeders are unique as only Finches can feed form it. they are the ones htat can hang upside down so House Sparrow so long!!!  IN the spring(when you see the first dandelion) the goldfinches will arrive. The brilliant yellow bird with black is the male and the dull olive one is the female. Female birds have duller plumage for protection when they are on the nest. Natures camouflage.  IN the fall and through the winter you will see red polls, purple finches and house finches as well as pine siskins.These are all desirable birds.

upside down feeder

Gold finches nest in my yard at the farm and I can see them feeding throughout the summer. A real treat for me . IN the city they stopped to fill up on the Niger in my feeders and after several days would head out.

Black Oil Sunflower is good for all other birds. Use feeders that the bird has to pick the seed out of a small hole .  You can get or make a net to fit under the feeder to catch any falling seeds. THe black oil can be baked jsut like the Niger seed to prevent it from growing. For fun put a sunflower seed feeder over a flower bed a let the fallen seeds grow. You will have towering sunflowers that the birds will pick the seed off of.
 Another fun thing to do in the spring when the Orioles fly through put some orange slices out on the trunks of your trees I put them on with a small nail and the Oriole absolutely love to pick at them and a more beautiful bird to watch and listen too is hard to find. 

Oriole

Want a wonderful little songbird to fill your days with sweet melodies. Buy or build several wren houses and place them in different locations around the yard. Make sure the hole is the size of a quarter no bigger.NO PERCHES ON ANY BIRD HOUSES!! Wrens will return in May and I tell you when they start to build their nest look out there is a lot of activity going to go on. The male builds a nest in all the houses and sings to attract and impress the female . She comes and checks out the houses and if one suits her fancy she settles in....Baby wrens are very tiny.   If you provide birdhouses with flip up fronts or a plexiglass side you can peek in on the birds and enjoy watching them grow. The first year we lived here my husband had hung his carpenters pouch up in the shed and didnt use it for a few days. The time came and he went to use it only to find that there was a wrens nest complete with eggs in it. He left it there until they hatched and flew away.

There are more to sparrows than just those pesty house sparrows. The house sparrow are not native to Canada but have definately made themselves comfy here. What you want to feed are the other sparrows liek the chipping sparrow , white crowned sparrow and the white throated sparrow pictured here. These natvie species of sparrows are  wonderful to observe and I recommend a brd book so you can see just what you are watching as there are so many kinds.

Suet cakes are a great attractent for chikadees, wrens, nuthatches , woodpeckers and more. I hang many of them and get a lot of different varieties at any one time.

wood[pecker on suet cage

Humming birds return in beginning of May. These little hummers are amazing. IF something zips by your head with a soundof a little helicopter it is time to dig out the humming bird nectar and feeder.  Do not use red food clouring in the mixture instead hang red fake flowers or what I liek to do is hang th efeeders near baskets of red petunias or coral bells . They love anythign red . When we hunted in the spring up norht the little hummers woudl fly up and try to get nectar out of our red rainsuits , red tail lights on thecamper literally anything red. IF you want grow scarlet running beans I tell you those things really attract the hummers . Grow them along with your flowers the flowers are large red and the beans are edible afterward. Fuschia are great for them too!

NO matter which bird you want to attract a bird bath or turning on a sprinkler on a hot day will bring all kinds of birds in for relief. A birdbath is a grea tidea. Want to prevent mosquitos jsut a drop of olive oil will prevent the mosquitos from making your bird bath a hospitable breeding pond.

Be careful where you place your feeders and birdbath. Make sure your cat or the neighbours hungry kitty doesnt have the advantage. Hang feeders from hooks in trees or on hooks mounted on fences or post.

So give it a try...it can really be an enjoyable time..