I sit here in this dark hospital room listening to the IV machine ticking away....
Mom is lying comfortably for the most part.  It wasn't fun having them insert the catheter but the relief for her has seemed great!
Throughout the day she has ....whether due to being lost in her delirium or just was showing her wallace sense of humour.....remained giggly.... Smiling and ....well just sweet. Thats my mom always sweet.

I dont want her to be going through this. There isn't a single damn thing I can do to change it.   I hate it. It's not fair. Its not right. It is....what it is!

She is the dearest thing to me.

As I sit here i think how slowly ..... Over the last few years I have lost pieces of her....the writer..... The card player.....the cook and the baker..... The organizer .... The caregiver.   and how I have come to know different pieces of her.
The frightened, lost little girl inside the woman... The woman who sacrificed so much....and lives with regrets .... Of not being everything she thinks she could have been. Of not travelling where she could have gone. Of not doing more for those she loved.

Funny I see her with no defects... No faults nothing missing....
One great mom, friend and woman...

I hope I have helped her know that... That she is perfect.  I know Kim has done her best to have her know just that.  More than anyone.  Kim has been amazing....

Im scared to lose her... Not the pieces.   Her!! All of her. I can take her as she is. Slightly broken ....less than perfect...
Cause she still fills my world with light love and laughter...

I cannot however picture her suffering.....Struggling...............grasping at the meaning .....the reason ....the sense in all of this.

Ive been grieving losing my mom for months......losing those pieces ...just like life it is a process.... A process I have absolutely no control over.

I think you understand....i know you understand.

Someday.  We will lose her.

For her sake I am ready.  For mine......not so much...

Love you so much. Almost as much as her!!😉🌺
To my Uncle Keith December 7th in the wee hours of the morning....

My dad

Is gone...I am not sure how I am supposed to feel..
I am not sure what or how I feel.....
I feel something....is it sad I am not sure....its certainly not glad...yet I am glad.
Glad he suffers no more...

MY dad was known to be someone that was kinda grumpy never felt well and didn't like to socialize...however nearly all the photos found of him showed him either quite content or partying it up..interesting...

He was a man that worried about money...he grew up in the thirties.....he knew what it was like to have nothing.....and he wanted his family to have things......he worked two jobs for a long time....stuck money away....but the best investment he made was buying a house....it really paid off for him.....and mom will be look after due to that..........You would find him calculator in hand ...bank book on table pencil in pocket figuring out all the details of that months banking.....he was quite nervous when I took over their finances until I presented him with the five bank statements I reconcile every month at work...he felt ok about it then..... All those transactions??he said in wonder...I was proud to help him with something he took great pride in all his life...Making money saving money tracking money and being thrifty spending money.....wonder if that is why I do books for a living...?
When he asked how much to live at Mulberry and I told him $3200.00 he almost fainted.....sad thing (or good thing) was his dementia didn't retain that and I think mom told him it was $650 and he quite proudly told visitors how they had a bus all their meals house cleaning etc for $650...Poor dad.....
It was necessary though....mom loved Mulberry..

Dad also was always there if his kids needed money ..Bailing one or the other out of financial woes....
He kept track for the most part and NEVER charged interest..

He loved kids he love animals and he loved his family...he loved growing up on the farm..

He loved his wife my mom....to the end they kissed and hugged and told each other they loved each other.....mom sang to him as he passed..............

It is sad he didn't travel more...he could go anywhere in Canada on CN rail...for free or reduced rate....mom regrets they didn't go more...dad was ok with it... I think its sad ...but maybe he was ok with it ...his life...his choices.

He loved Sammy...so much asked for her everyday...asked if she was happy and safe from Uncle Herbs dogs...Uncle Herb long since passed...but that's where he knew she was.....she was actually safe and sound at her new home with the Whitneys..

After dad was diagnosed with cancer (7 or 8 years ago) he didn't do much... gladly he didn't suffer .....he didn't get out of bed much the last few years....he had no quality of life....He told me once he wished he wouldn't have to suffer like he watched his brothers that died with cancer did. I had told him I hoped not too...he didn't suffer for most of those years until......at the end he did suffer...He suffered a lot...the cancer that started in his kidney had spread into his right arm....it wouldn't heal after a fall and the cancer was the reason for that...It hurt the shoulder the elbow....He would ask Kim to please prop it up she did for the three days it hurt the most......she put pillows or a blanket or anything that took it to the right height....to stop the pain from being so severe....

Then he died..
all that was ended...all that was real for him ended....over......no more ...

For me it was his pain that ended......that was enough to make me strong....
I have the memories they are still here .......with me...........
I have the pictures.....the ability to balance books......and I love animals and I care for my family ...I am not so thrifty with my money....................but dad knew that....
I have pieces of my dad ......right here ..in my heart.............in my mind ................in my soul..............

Good Bye Dad.

Love You Sheila

Yes I will take care of mom.....and Sammy
Thank You for everything......and more...

Loss, grief, knowledge .......confusion

Life.  It just gets more interesting as I age.
Parents.  Declining health.  Focusing on their care , their needs. Hoping to make things comfortable for them, and looking for comfort in that myself.

Packing items.  The items that were the cherished items that were kept from the big move from their home.   Items with sentimental value.  Photo albums. Lots of photo albums.  Mom loved her photos and proudly  organized them and loved to reflect while flipping through the images.

Ornaments. Great grammas china. Antique plates. Tartan jackets and kilts. Some Wallace tartan items.

And framed pictures. Mom took pride in matting and framing pictures of our ancestors.  Both sides of the family.  George and Clara Wolfe. George who tragically died when run over by his tractor.  Apparently months before he was leaving the farm. Clara. I remember gramma Wolfe. I remember sitting on her knee I loved her to bits.  And I remember the ambulance that took her away from our home. As I watched from a neighbours. A tiny girl that didn't get it and didn't want her gramma gone. I little girl that then feared death and dark and being alone.  The photos of these two my grandparents brought these and many other thoughts.  Their marriage certificate tactfully framed. Still makes me wonder why the minister had put the wrong name for my grampa. Then merely crossed it out.replacing James with George  Rather than issue a new one!

Gramma and grampa Wallace.  Their wedding photo. She was young. So young. I knew my grandparents both on moms side.  Loved them very much ! My childhood is abundant with memories of fun times at their house. Playing cards , toasting raisin bread on the fireplace, gathering fire rocks or dancing with siblings , cousins, and all to The mamas and papas , Rolling Stones or one of the many Beatle songs we would play over and over.  Herman's hermits. Dave Clark five.  So much fun.
Nights with accordions fiddles and playing the spoons.
Their picture brought back these memories

Memories. Tied to trinkets photos and so many keepsakes. Tied to CDs , to song books. The calendars mom kept. Important events recorded on certain dates. From eye appts to anniversaries to heart attacks and illnesses. All there  on calendars. Notebooks with every event that happened that mattered to mom  . Recorded. Hand written. Tyler's first tooth. Donna swallowing a nickle and then the "recovery " of that nickle ! My teeth getting broken off while tobogganing. My kids progress ! Her sisters and brothers life events. All there written in her books.

She can't read the books. She can't see the pictures she can't  sit and share her memories. Or tell us who's dishes the pink ones are. Or who should get the doll my grandma dressed with her own hands in the Wallace tartan.

She can laugh at herself.  She does love her favourite songs still and she thanks us for visiting her and loving her.

Dad. Just wants up go home. To his house.

I think they are comfortable

Now all is packed up.  I am not in that  zone called comfort yet.  It will take time.  Acceptance.   Grief. So many losses.  So much change.  The nightly phone calls. The visits at Mulberry. The knowing that when I was thinking of mom.  She was usually thinking of me. I would think of calling her and the phone would ring.  It would be her.

Life the older I get. The more I learn. The more I grow.  The more I accept.  Yet there is so much that I fail to understand.

Night

Frazzled!!!!!

Well what an interesting 3 weeks.
It all started with the decision that mom was not able to care for dad any longer. I would do my best to find him a good care home !  My dad was assessed and the pallative care coordinator informed me that he was not eligible for long term care.  My options hire more help in or place him in a private care home!
At 30$ am hour in home care was getting expensive and mom was wearing out with the constant coming and going of home care etc.   so I toured the three most popular homes and as in a previous blog i mentioned that I chose Chez Nous. Beautiful old house, good activity schedule, lots of great recommendations and pretty darn nice staff. We moved dad in on the Monday! As the week progressed things just didn't seem as promised.  Same clothes worn day after day . Constant blood sugar lows, and dad seemed sad ! He had fallen twice the one time he lost his wallet in the process and no one bothered to help him find it! I did when I got there!We were soon to learn one if not some of he staff thought that a low blood sugar needed to be treated with insulin. Very opposite from the truth ! Saturday my daughter witnessed how his diabetes was being mismanaged.  Given a shot of insulin while In a low then fed enough sugar to put him in a high. An employee ready to give more insulin for the high thank goodness Kim was there and found his blood sugar was infect not high and she prevented the employee from giving the insulin or he would have crashed again all very serious stuff !
Then Sunday we all went to visit. Dad's pants were soaked to his knees down the front , socks urine stained and he smelled really really bad!  I changed him his protective shorts were soaked and my attempts to sponge  bath him were useless.  We decided then and there he would be leaving chez nous. This wasn't in the plan at all we had hooked up cable installed a wall mount tv and I had decorated the room so it would be home.  Care was number one and home he would go.  Or do I thought !
2 am. My phone rings. Dad is on his way to hospital by ambulance blood sugar very low! I get to hospital and the ambulance driver is someone I know very well! He tells me that the employee at chez nous ran and got dad's insulin and told him dad would need it as he was having a low blood sugar 1.9 is very low and the EMT told me a shot of insulin could have killed him!  I was furious and grateful they did not give him the  insulin before the ambulance got there.
( I have since heard many bad reports about chez Nous. Change of ownership several months  ago has meant changes for the worst others have pulled family members put and hour complaints were made to the authorities I. Charge)
Thankfully he was bathed the next morning and received excellent care in hospital
On the weds after being admitted the palliative care coordinator told me they would access dad for longterm care again it looked promising.  Thursday I was told no again! Friday I received an email tellingly that they were considering him for long term again and that dad's case worker was fighting for us/him! I called her and she was happy to say ghat it was going to happen he would be eligible! All that was needed was the paperwork to be signed! A meeting was set at the hospital for Monday morning!
We were all there I felt a sense of relief as longterm care means dad would be looked after by RNs not LPNs so better qualified nurses for his conditions.
The pallative care coordinator no sooner started talking then she told us due to nurses notes on the weekend dad did not qualify!   &$;:@()@@
Good weekend.  They had to call the heart specialist on Saturday dad thought he was dying chest pains blacked out.  Can barely walk , blood sugar concerns and many other concerns.  Nope dad was going home
Well he is at home. Other stuff has gone on. Home are trying to get him on a drug that is dangerous for diabetics. I put a stop on that! Homecare demanding into spray cause it was on hospital orders. When in fact it was dad's nitro patches ! Them coming and going and driving mom nuts
Good news I have hired a very nice lady to care for mom and dad! She quit the company that I had originally hired to help dad. We scooped her up! She is like another daughter for mom mostly. But dad loves her too
With her help and me limiting home care to one visit a day and taken away their rights to diagnose or getting Dr. to prescribe meds things are going smoothly
Kim has been a huge help at one point I wanted to string her up now we are working together.
Dad is relaxed and Theresa the hired lady can get him to eat she keeps him
Clean and well looked after
Mom is misbehaving lol. She loves Theresa and they play games visit look at photo albums and giggle ALOT!!!my nerves are frazzled. I do hope this gets easier at some point throughout it all it is not my parents that are the problem it is all of the"resources" the government has made available to make my life easier ! I'm considering firing them all.

Off to bed.  One last note we are all getting older.  Who will take care of us????  

Black Pearl is FOR SALE

Well I am sure everyone wants to hear about me and my tie to Black Pearl....my 2010 Matrix I have to find a new home for

Well it all started about 8 years ago....in the Little City of Moose Jaw...

I drove down Grace Street everyday and I noticed this little white car that seemed abandoned in a drive way.. It wasn't in great shape but it seemed to need a new owner.... I had an old Toyota (89 or something  I loved them old Toyotas) anyway I had been hit in it and it got written off... I woudl drive by this little Nissan Sentra and say almost jokingly that little baby will be mine...it wasn't even for sale SO Tom didn't quite get how it would be mine... I even joked about how I could just go knock in the door and beg them to sell it to me....followed by glares of " are you an idiot or what?" looks...

Well I gave up on the little white car   and went vehicless for some time.....then one day my sons friend came in to our shop...HE was sad his Aunt had died...he was in charge of selling her house and car...Well where was this house and car?????ON the corner of Grace and 11th Avenue.....
the same little car I had wanted to and for some reason new I would own was for sale!!!! I had first chance.
I looked at the car with all its dents and imperfections and I said sold...
Rions friend was happy and shared many stories about his aunt and how this car was special to her....

One day I was out in my drive way tidying and cleaning my "new" car it was by the way a 1990..far from new.
My neighbour came across and said OMG you have Pearl's car...Pearl???she said yes she was a teacher with me....She was a horrible driver and when she would go to park in the lot you just prayed she didn't park near you ,,,,and if you parked after her you parked miles away. All in attempt to avoid a collision with Pearl....  She told me one time Pearl had driven off the Riverhurst ferry straight in to the river with her parents on board,,,apparently the lady Pearl that owned the car before me ......had a reputation similar to me...................I had been in many accidents not any were my fault but none the less I had acquired the name "CRASH"

Well well I decided right then and there that the cars name would be Pearl and I would be watched over when driving by  Angel Pearl the previous owner......Rions friends aunt..
I drove that dinged up little white car for over three years ACCIDENT FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Well along came the year I would turn 50...It was time for  a Brand New Car I decided,,,,I had never owned a brand new one figured I was finally old enough ...lol... so I went to Toyota and decided on the Matrix....as I was looking through the brochures my salesman came in and said "Guess what a brand new 2010 Matrix just came in the doors" I said what colour?  His reply "Black Pearl"  Well I heard that and said SOLD!

I sold "white" Pearl to a lady Amber knew and she called her Pearl right up until the day she sold it ...
after all we all can use a guardian angel while driving...She told the story of Pearl when she sold it and I  think the new owner was going to call the Sentra Pearl as well.

So Black Pearl is up for sale......I didn't have a Pearl connection with my Subaru I asked Zak if I should call her orange Pearl...he thought not..didn't sound right he said...so Lil Pumpkin she will be...

What about Pearl...???

Well I moved my dad into a care home this week....on Sunday I went into the staff room to get the key for his room. I told them I was here for the key for my dads room. Tyson Wolfe...room 206...

The lady replied "OH Pearls room!!!"" 

Yes I am sure we still have Pearl with us.....I know now she is right where I need her ............watching over my dad....

Thanks Pearl....you are my angel for sure...

2010 Matrix Black Pearl for sale any takers???

que sera sera what ever will be will be See you at Chez Nous "with us"

Well it has been a tougher than usual  two days.

After 56 years of being together my mom and dad will be living apart starting Monday of next week.
It is sad that it has to be the way it is...Dad needs care and mom need rest.

He will be moving in to Chez Nous in Moose Jaw . A big old residence that nuns lived in has been converted into a seniors home.( I had originally typed a big old nuns residence but I knew what I would hear from all the Wallace clan.....Was she that big)
ANYWAY

The first thing I noticed when I walked in to the building was a feeling of warmth . Then as I met residents came the feeling of  contentment...these people seemed very happy and they interacted with me and the staff showing me around like we were all family. Nice indeed.
Its bright its warm and it is very very  homey....

Dads room will be off the activity room for now.. There might be a change we will see how that goes.
Might be too much activity for him and then again it might be just what he needs ....

Mom liked Chez Nous when I took her today...I think she felt ready to move in too. The nice thing is when she is ready she can move in ...They will find them a bigger room and make it work...

Remember I had to think of the cat for now..
Mulberry is the only place that will take a cat. So mom will live with Sammer and she can visit dad and we can even take Sammer to visit .. Sammer just can't live at Chez Nous..Dad loves Sammy so that is really good..  Kim can take her Min Pin too  the residents will love her

Anyway just had this all to say .... shedding a few tears as we enter this next stage of life....
Take Care

Check Out Chez Nous on the Net. Nice Place

A Poster made by me hung alongside my bed when I was a teenager.....I wasn't  a Black Sabbath fan so Much and I am not even sure where I found the words in their song but here they are...

Just remember love is life
And hate is living death
Treat your life for what its worth
And live for every breath
Looking back I've lived and learned
But now I'm wondering
Here I wait and only guess
What this next life will bring

The words must have meant something to the 16 year old girl I was at the time...
and as I age the meaning becomes clearer and clearer........

Today I found myself thinking the words and examining the meaning...
what did it mean to me then????? why was it important enough for me to create a large poster that I would read every night before bed....words that I would carry with me through life....
Obviously I was thinking about life and how to live it and death and the mystery of it....
Today  I see my parents aging.....I see myself  aging ..

My dad said to me to day ....he wished he could be young again....I said I wish you could be too.....I told him how shitty I thought it was that just when we get things figured out our time is gone..
He agreed and the conversation ended.....

THE words in the song have me reflecting and wondering not about the next life but about life as I know it now......life as i have lived it to this point... I know there is no going back . As I see the changes my parents are going through I see even more necessity in living life for what its worth...What is it worth....is there a value......there is ....there is value in each breath we take ...there is value in the relationships we are in, value in the air we breathe and value in existence.....

I have hated ...too much and loved too little all the while doing my best to do neither.....

The more I love the better I feel inside and out.... I live
When I hate ....I am bitter and callus and cruel....I die


I think today I will venture in to my new life......one that I do my very best to Love and make each breath worthwhile.....why wait....why wonder????why guess........

I have lived and learned ........now to live and love...

Thanks Black Sabbath maybe soon I will listen to this song

I have never heard it..................